I had planned to have a bright, shiny entry for the Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama but got distracted and missed the deadline. I’ll be participating next month, but thought I would write about this month’s theme anyway.

Parenting resolutions. What do you want to do differently this year as a parent? Or what do you want to be the same? What went exceptionally well in 2009, and in what could you use a do-over?

The interesting thing about resolutions is it seems like one decision, one choice, one goal. But it’s not. It’s a million moments, a million choices, and actions that you repeat over and over everyday.

I have a very clear memory of my father, removing a lift-out from the Saturday Newspaper. It was about 5 pages and it was titled “Guide to Parenting”. Sadly this was not tongue in cheek. He threw it over his shoulder and smiled at me half in jest, half in sadness and said “too late for me!”. I was in my early twenties at the time, I can’t remember exactly. The thing is, it wasn’t too late. My parents divorced when I was young, and I lived with my mum, and so we had the usual post-divorce issues. I found that the birth of my daughter, his grand-daughter did far more to heal our relationship than any manner of talking could have ever done. Because I got to see, first hand, what he would have been like with us when we were little. And he was (and is) so kind, so gentle, so loving that it broke my heart and healed it at the same time.

He also once told me (I can’t remember when) that it’s not the big mistakes you make as a parent that are going to fuck up your children, it’s the tiny little things that you do every day, that you don’t notice, and so you keep on doing them, that really fuck them up. And that’s what I’m thinking about with parenting resolutions.

I’m proud that I’ve begun our journey of unconditional parenting with our daughter. I’m glad that I finally read the book by Alfie Kohn before I had actually began any discipline with Riley (she’s 21 months now and just at the stage where it’s starting to become necessary)

So, I suppose my parenting resolutions are to continue to pursue as much knowledge as possible. To not be afraid to open my mind to new ideas, new way of doing things, and to change what needs changing. And based on my recent knowledge acquisition (thanks in large part to an extended hairdresser appointment giving me an opportunity to read undisturbed) I want to change my language. Stop using value statements and take the time to explain things properly. Stop saying ‘good job’ all the time instead of actually engaging her in a dialogue about whatever it is that she’s been doing. I want to show her more love and understanding when she’s at her most frustrating and demanding, not less. I want to find a way to teach her without resorting to love-withdrawal, punishment or manipulation. I want to give her as many choices as humanly possible in any situation.

I will not achieve this things absolutely. I know that for sure. But what I can do is have it as the goal in any given moment.

Things that I am proud of in the last year?

We parented our little one to sleep whenever she needed us, even when we were completely exhausted, frustrated and frazzled. She still toddles into our bed at night if she wakes up before morning. And we managed to avoid a child care centre when I returned to work part-time. But really, what sticks out the most is when you have those little moments that make you feel (that in that moment) everything is right.

Last night I was tucking Riley into bed. She was having a bit of trouble relaxing and drifting off. So I was stroking her head, and making shh-ing noises. She put her finger to her lips and mimicked me “Shh!” she then put her hands on my cheeks, pulled me towards her and gave me a kiss goodnight. Reminding me that my goal for motherhood is shared joy.

Check out all the fantastic posts for this month:

To Yell or Not to Yell @ The Adventures of Lactating Girl

It Is All About Empathy: Nurturing a Toddler’s Compassion Potential @ Baby Dust Diaries

To my babies: this year… @ Bluebirdmama

Mindfully Loving My Children @ Breastfeeding Moms Unite!

January Carnival of Natural Parenting: Resolutions @ Code Name: Mama

Imperfect Mother @ Consider Eden

Resolutions @ Craphead (aka Mommy)

FC Mom’s Parenting Resolutions 2010 @ FC Mom

What’s in a Resolution? @ Happy Mothering

January Carnival of Natural Parenting: Parenting resolutions @ Hobo Mama

Natural Parenting Resolutions @ Little Green Blog

This year, I will mostly… @ Look Left of the Pleiades

Parenting Resolutions @ The Mahogany Way

I Resolve to Breastfeed in Public More Often @ mama2mamatips

Moving to Two Kids @ Megna the Destroyer

Use Love @ Momopoly

My Parenting Resolutions @ Musings of a Milk Maker

Talkin’ ’bout My Resolutions @ Navelgazing

Parenting Resolutions @ One Starry Night

Invitations, not Resolutions @ Raising My Boychick

No more multitasking during kid time @ The Recovering Procrastinator

I need to slow down, smell those roses AND the poopy diapers @ Tales of a Kitchen Witch Momma

Resolutely Parenting in 2010 @ This is Worthwhile