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Just Wonderful: Love and Partners and Natural Parenting

9 Feb 2010Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Welcome to the February Carnival of Natural Parenting: Love and partners!

This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama. This month we’re writing about how a co-parent has or has not supported us in our dedication to natural parenting. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.

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Love and partners: How has a co-parent supported your dedication to natural parenting — or not?

When Riley was born, my relationship with my husband changed. Because all of a sudden instead of one relationship, we were dealing with three. Our relationship as life partners, our relationship with our daughter, and our relationship with one another as parents.Another interesting thing happened as well. We stopped arguing, sort of. We disagree, alot. But we stopped needing to be right. I would say what I felt, he would say what he felt. And if we still disagreed, we just let it be. This is in stark contrast to previously where we would both continue to beat a dead horse until one of us admitted that the other one was right. I don’t know why, but following the birth of our daughter, both of us stopped needing to be right, we just needed to be heard, even if that meant that nothing really changed.

I did not have natural parenting ideals when I was pregnant. And in all honesty, I probably wouldn’t have even known what natural parenting or attachment parenting was. I read What to Expect When You’re Expecting in tiny little snippets so the weight of responsibility and risk didn’t totally freak me out. In the last month of my pregnancy I watched a million b-grade documentary type series on cable all about birth (most ended in c-section) and babies (mainly focussed on why won’t they sleep/eat/sleep). I found the idea of breastfeeding beyond 6 months a little bit creepy, looked down my nose at people who had babies or toddlers who wouldn’t sleep or would only sleep in their parents’ bed and couldn’t figure out why parents would walk around carrying their baby/toddler when they were pushing a perfectly serviceable stroller.

My husband had different ideas. His number one priority in our baby shopping was to get a baby carrier so he would be able to carry her around. So I bought one of those front-pack type carriers along with a sling. The sling seemed like a good way to be able to get things done with having both hands free. I didn’t really consider all the benefits of the sling in terms of bonding, comfort and closeness. Towards the end of my pregnancy we were doing some last minute baby shopping. My husband saw a co-sleeper (a little bed that sits on the main bed). It had a night light and little sides to stop you from rolling over onto her in the middle of the night. I didn’t really see the point. I mean, she was going to be in her own room from at the latest three months anyway. But, I’d done most of the shopping for the new arrival, and I wanted him to be involved so I placated him with the purchase.

There were two things that we both agreed on while I was pregnant, we would not be smackers and we would not cry it out. I felt very strongly about both of those things.

Then our beautiful baby was born, by emergency c-section. Josh kept me calm during the c-section by asking me for my rugby league tips for that week. Excellent distraction tactic. I was ill prepared for actually how violent a procedure a c-section is. Because I had skipped that chapter in the pregnancy book. I was going to have a completely natural birth, with no drugs, and there was no reason why I would need a c-section. The googy had other plans. She had one hand on her head and the other hand was hanging on to the cord. I remember seeing Josh’s face when they pulled her out and pronounced she was a girl (he has only ever wanted girls). He looked at me with more happiness and excitement than I had ever seen, and I knew she was ok. Her birth was a physical manifestation of our marriage. We had said the words, but she brought them to life and no matter what happened in the future, we were inextricably joined forever in this tiny little person.

Very quickly, all of my ‘ideas’ about parenthood and babies went out the window. Fair warning: you should never develop any firm ideas about parenthood before you actually have a baby – you’re likely to end up looking like a bit of an ass. I slept with her in the bed with me in hospital because I couldn’t bear to put her in the bassinet, just arm’s reach away, it was too far. I mainly dozed at first, because I enjoyed the feeling of her on my chest so much. I was comforted by her heart beat and her soft breath.

Breastfeeding was a challenge. I had damaged nipples and we struggled to find a good latch. I felt I was failing her at something that was so important, and was supposed to be so natural. I cried a lot. My desire to breastfeed was strong enough that I persisted through the excruciating pain and the dread of each feeding. Two things got me through it and to the other side where breastfeeding was enjoyable and painless. Josh gave me support and understanding through the hard times, allowed me the freedom to consider other options if I couldn’t get through it, acknowledged my efforts and held my hand as I bawled my eyes out through the pain. A wonderful midwife and lactation consultant also set me on the right path with the latch and spurred me on further, telling me that it was obvious how much I loved Riley, given the extent of the damage. Once in a while though, when I was up for the umpteenth time of the night breastfeeding Riley or trying to get her back to sleep and Josh was next to me snoring, I was tempted to beat him over the head with something.

I became an avid breastfeeder, and fell quickly and easily into on demand feeding, because it was so much easier than anything else. Sometimes it seemed like Riley was breastfeeding for 6 hours straight. I loved the closeness and connection of breastfeeding and often fed her to sleep, through teething pain, or whenever she needed a little bit more comfort. Josh would often stroke her head, hands or feet while I was breastfeeding, and it was a bonding time for him too. Josh used to walk past the formula in the supermarket and say ‘it’s not right, I’m so glad we didn’t have to go there.’And although we were both ready when we stopped, I missed it once it was gone.

Josh had three months paternal leave when Riley was born. And I needed him, every day. I was so grateful that we had that time together as a young family. When I was barely conscious from exhaustion he would take Riley for long walks while I either slept or just stared off into the distance, allowing myself to unplug. He fed me at all times of the day and night, quick meals that I could scoff down before catching some sleep. He proudly set up the co-sleeper in our bed at night, and on the couch during the day. He often used the night light to look at her while she slept (or check that she was breathing). Riley stayed in the co-sleeper until she was too big at around three months. At which point she moved to the bassinet (still in our room) for the first sleep of the night and then she usually slept with us after that. I mastered the art of the night-time breastfeeding and was able to sleep through most of her latching on. When she was too big for the bassinet, we moved her to the cot (in her room) at around 6 months. But it didn’t last long and she slept in our bed off-and-on until she was about 14 months. Although she’s now in a toddler bed and sleeps in her room, whenever she wakes up in the night we still enjoy co-sleeping, even look forward to it. We both wavered at times on the whole parenting to sleep thing, due to exhaustion, frustration and no prospect of change. Luckily, we never wavered at the same time. She was over a year before she started sleeping through with any reliability. And now, with hindsight, we both realise how short that time really is. When we were in it, we were so desperate for her to sleep through. But now, we both realise that the period of babydom is so much shorter than we were really ready for it to be. Parenting to sleep can be frustrating, boring and exhausting. Parenting to sleep can also be a special time for quiet connection. Josh loves it when Riley falls asleep next to him, and he sees her heavy eyes close and her body claimed by slumber.

We both preferred the sling or the carrier to the stroller. Sometimes it was a battle to decide who would do the carrying. It was a joy to have her mushy little face fall asleep against your chest. Even better was when she would wake up, slightly disoriented, and look up to realise that we were still there and she would get a happy little smile on her face. And I am one of those parents who carries her toddler around while pushing the pram. Because contrary to some of my opinions before Riley was born, babies and toddlers are actually people with emotions and needs and preferences. Riley has a preference for being held most of the time and I count myself lucky that we have such a cuddly daughter.

I happened across a natural parenting website by accident. And there it was, our parenting style, reflected back to me. None of it by design. Josh and I had floundered our way through early parenthood all through intuition and instinct, and landed somewhere that was totally comfortable for us and all three of our relationships.

The greatest difficulty Josh faced as a parent was not anything to do with sleep deprivation, or discipline, or the fact that he occasionally struggled to engage with her when she was a little baby and she didn’t really do anything other than lie there – prepared to be entertained. It was when she was really sick and she had her trip to the ICU. And it wasn’t that it was scary, or traumatic or the fact that we were completely out of control. It was after that, when she was getting better. She would cry if he came near her, and she would push him away if he came too close. She would also cry if she ever saw us hugging or kissing. And she was still hoarse from the tubes, and any cry was devastating to hear. After the trauma of her hospitalisation, all he wanted to do was hold her and cuddle her and kiss her and keep her close. And it broke his heart, over and over again. His pain was naked and raw. It was made worse by the fact that she didn’t even have the strength to crawl or sit up on her own, but she somehow found the energy reserves to make her rejection of his advances known. It took a long time, and an absolute commitment on his part to demonstrate his adoration for her, regardless. Sometimes he was frustrated, sometimes he was deflated and sometimes he was just plain hurt. And eventually, she returned to herself again, and to him. Now, you would never know it had even happened. So when the other day she crawled onto his lap for a cuddle after her nap, or when a few months ago her first clear word was “Josh”, he treasures it all the more.

Co-parenting wasn’t always easy for us. At times we were both frustrated with her clear preference for mama. I often wished that he could put her to sleep, and while this sometimes happened, more often than not, my presence was a requirement.  Because I stay at home most of the time, it is also difficult sometimes to make that transition from me doing everything all day to us both participating equally either at night or on the weekend. That is still something we are working on. Our styles are different. Not in a core way, which definitely makes things easier. But, nonetheless, there are differences. Because I’m at home all day, I tend to pick my battles. That is something that Josh is still working on. I am more permissive than he is, and that is still something we’re working out together.

Since we both want to avoid day care if we can, Josh has started taking a day off once a month where he looks after Riley and I go into work. This has been great for both of us. He gets to see how the other half lives, has one-on-one time with Riley, and all in all tends to have the time of his life. Last time he had a day off, when i got home and asked him how his day was, he replied ‘just wonderful’.

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Carnival of Natural Parenting -- Hobo Mama and Code Name: MamaVisit Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!

Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

(This list will be updated Feb. 9 with all the carnival links, and all links should be active by noon EST. Go to Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama for the most recently updated list.)

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40 Are Sharing the Comment Love

  1. great_auntie_book great_auntie_book says:
    February 9, 2010 at 5:44 pm

    It’s a privilege to read your account of your parenting experience … Thank you for sharing! :-)

    Reply
  2. Arwyn Arwyn says:
    February 9, 2010 at 7:21 pm

    This is just wonderful. :)

    Even though The Man and I knew ahead of time that most babies (especially exclusively breastfed babies with a mom at home most of the time and a dad at work 40 hours a week) go through a more-mama phase, it still hurt going through it. And it still breaks his heart I think that when we go in for blood draws, it’s me that the Boychick clings to (though that’s starting to change, at nearly-3 and not nursing to mention anymore). To have a child in ICU, to go through that and then have a sudden, complete rejection — wow, the pain. So glad he stuck through it, though.

    And the only reason we never fought over who got to wear him is that The Man did pretty much all of it when we were together, unless the Boychick needed to nurse or expressed a strong preference. I got to do all of it when home alone — only seemed fair he’d get to the rest of the time!
    .-= Arwyn´s last blog ..Moments in time: a love letter =-.

    Reply
    • Zoey @ Good Goog Zoey @ Good Goog says:
      February 14, 2010 at 9:23 am

      Thanks Arwyn. It’s such a relief (for both of us) now that the mama preference is starting to fade. This morning, I was outside watching her bounce on the trampoline, yelling “Josh”, “Josh”, Josh!”

      Reply
  3. Treacy Treacy says:
    February 9, 2010 at 7:59 pm

    This was just lovely to read. Makes me wish I had put an entry in.

    Such a joy to read about the bonds fathers have with their children. I say this because they were excluded for so long.

    Reply
  4. Lauren @ Hobo Mama Lauren @ Hobo Mama says:
    February 9, 2010 at 9:07 pm

    I love that picture! And I love how close your daughter and husband are.

    It’s interesting how well you fell into the path of natural parenting by happenstance and/or instinct. It seems like a lot of natural parents discovered a label for themselves after the fact.
    .-= Lauren @ Hobo Mama´s last blog ..February Carnival of Natural Parenting: Love and partners =-.

    Reply
    • Zoey @ Good Goog Zoey @ Good Goog says:
      February 14, 2010 at 9:28 am

      It’s always a treat to capture a moment like that with just the two of them. She’s always on the move! I think Josh’s support was really pivotal in feeling like I could be free to follow my instincts, instead of feeling pressure to conform to the norm.

      Reply
  5. the Grumbles the Grumbles says:
    February 10, 2010 at 2:42 am

    My story about coming around to natural parenting sounds a lot like yours. If you had told me a year ago I would be co-sleeping I would have never believed it. Things change when they actually get here.
    .-= the Grumbles´s last blog ..All that stuff I don’t get comes so easy to him; he doesn’t even have to try =-.

    Reply
  6. mandy @ living peacefully with children mandy @ living peacefully with children says:
    February 10, 2010 at 2:58 am

    We learn so much from parenthood. Trusting our instincts and our children is a large part of that.

    Reply
  7. Dionna @ Code Name: Mama Dionna @ Code Name: Mama says:
    February 10, 2010 at 3:41 am

    I so understand that frustration with the tot’s preference for mama. It has been like that for us since the beginning. I’ve really enjoyed watching our son start really loving his “papa time,” it’s an awesome culmination of my hubby’s patience. Thank you for this great submission!
    .-= Dionna @ Code Name: Mama´s last blog ..February Carnival of Natural Parenting: Co-Parents =-.

    Reply
  8. Jen @ Recovering Procrastinator Jen @ Recovering Procrastinator says:
    February 10, 2010 at 5:08 am

    I see a lot of similarities between you and I. We are the same way about me picking my battles and being more permisive. I feel bad when Dad comes home and yells at the kids for something I’ve been defacto allowing them to do all day. It really sounds like the two of you work wonderfully together though. :)

    Reply
    • Zoey @ Good Goog Zoey @ Good Goog says:
      February 14, 2010 at 9:51 am

      it goes both ways I guess – I might be constantly saying he should pick his battles – but yesterday when she’d emptied out a recycling container and I vaguely suggested she could pick it up and she put every last bit back – it’s more down to him than me.

      Reply
  9. Shana Shana says:
    February 10, 2010 at 5:21 am

    My little guy has alternated between papa preference with his SAHD and mama preference. The papa preference period was so hard for me to deal with emotionally, even though the current mama preference period is harder physically. It’s nice that you have found balance.
    .-= Shana´s last blog ..A Natural Dad =-.

    Reply
  10. Jessica - This is Worthwhile Jessica - This is Worthwhile says:
    February 10, 2010 at 6:08 am

    I LOVE the one day a month SAHD idea… I must run this idea past my husband.

    Our son is mostly equal opportunity parent right now, but the first year + was all Mama. It was difficult on the both of us for different reasons (as you know) but we both knew it was just a phase. Now my son lights up when Daddy comes home and races into his arms and my husband looks like he’s going to just float away in sheer rapture.
    .-= Jessica – This is Worthwhile´s last blog ..G-O-T-E-A-M! =-.

    Reply
  11. Amber Amber says:
    February 10, 2010 at 6:50 am

    “Fair warning: you should never develop any firm ideas about parenthood before you actually have a baby – you’re likely to end up looking like a bit of an ass.”

    This made me laugh out loud. It is so, so true. So true. THIS should be the first sentence of every pregnancy book ever written. :)
    .-= Amber´s last blog ..Breastfeeding Father =-.

    Reply
  12. Melodie Melodie says:
    February 10, 2010 at 7:03 am

    What stood out for me was you not reading the chapter on c-sections. Neither did I, and then my planned homebirth went awry and there I was without even a hospital bag packed, having an emergency cesarean. I l agree with Amber about that statement. It should be the first sentence of every parenting book. It’s funny how transformed we become after the birth of our babies.
    .-= Melodie´s last blog ..High Tech Breastfeeding =-.

    Reply
    • Zoey @ Good Goog Zoey @ Good Goog says:
      February 14, 2010 at 10:12 am

      Not a mistake I’ll be making the second time round. I was so ill informed, I didn’t even realise that c-section under general anesthetic was a possibility (luckily wasn’t necessary in my case). I’ll be reading up so I actually know what my options are.

      Reply
  13. BluebirdMama aka @childbearing BluebirdMama aka @childbearing says:
    February 10, 2010 at 7:18 am

    Considering the homogenous way that parenting is presented in the media, I imagine that many people come to natural parenting in this kind of vague way. Before we have kids we think we’ll just do it the way everyone does, the way the movies, tv, books, etc show it’s done. And then we have kids and everything changes.

    I know well that struggle with being the temporarily preferred parent. It is exhausting. And yet, I also know the other side as my daughter has a clear preferrence for my husband. I’d be doomed if I wasn’t the one with boobs – sometimes I think it’s the only reason she comes to me. It does hurt my feelings sometimes but then I just remember the months and months that my husband suffered through that with our son and I shut my mouth.
    .-= BluebirdMama aka @childbearing´s last blog ..Parenting Together =-.

    Reply
    • Zoey @ Good Goog Zoey @ Good Goog says:
      February 14, 2010 at 10:18 am

      I agree – it’s amazing how one-sided parenting is preented in the media. And if anything else is presented it’s usually in a negative over-involved way. I even saw on author on TV claiming that the cause of trans-gender issues in boys was an over-involved mother and an absent father. *Excuse me while I vomit*

      Reply
  14. Kate Wicker @ Momopoly Kate Wicker @ Momopoly says:
    February 10, 2010 at 11:52 am

    I love stories like these where the dad helps lead the mom to a more fulfilling path of parenting. Kudos to both of your for following your parenting guts.
    .-= Kate Wicker @ Momopoly´s last blog ..Daddy’s Little Girls =-.

    Reply
  15. michelle michelle says:
    February 10, 2010 at 11:58 pm

    I read your story last night to my husband so that he could see how much our parenting can continue to evolve to the needs of our family and that he can also take the initiative more often. You are a beautiful writer. I was actually someone who wanted to co-sleep and ended up not co-sleeping because my husband thought the baby slept better on his own. It has been a sore spot for the past 11 months. He has shifted recently and I think hearing from other parents that didn’t always know they would co-sleep, extend their breastfeed, baby wear, etc. goes a long way to giving people an understanding that you don’t have to be stick to your original plans. You’re right, it truly is impossible as each child comes with their own needs. You have a fabulous blog. I look forward to following your journey.
    .-= michelle´s last blog ..how we come to parenting =-.

    Reply
    • Zoey @ Good Goog Zoey @ Good Goog says:
      February 14, 2010 at 10:33 am

      Thanks, Michelle. This is just the type of comment I tuck away, to give me a smile, when I’m riddled with self-doubt. I’m so pleased that your husband has began the process of re-assessing. I’m sure your son feels loved and cherished and adored. But I enjoyed co-sleeping for me. Being able to watch her go to sleep, wake up and feeling her arms around me at night.

      Reply
  16. NavelgazingBajan NavelgazingBajan says:
    February 11, 2010 at 2:05 am

    My son is just starting to display some mama preference although his face still lights up when he sees his daddy. I feel bad for my husband when our son screams his rejection so loud and clear.

    Reply
  17. Amber Amber says:
    February 12, 2010 at 12:44 pm

    I was similar before I ever got pregnant. I was never a baby lover to begin with so the thought of one sleeping with me was absurd. My friends had a baby a few years ago and the mother has done a TON of complaining about having her daughter in bed with them. It was the father than wanted her there. When they decided to get her into a crib it was a battle (one that the father tended to cave in on). We there visiting one evening while they were “training”. The baby wasn’t a baby anymore (1 and a half or so I think), and I thought nothing of it as we listened to her cry and cry and cry…I just thought it was normal.

    I also thought that epidurals were “natural” and breastfeeding was, eh…only mildly important (most people I know IRL did not go that route). I had no idea that attachment parenting (something I knew about a teeny tiny bit) would be something so important to me. WOW does getting knocked up ever change you!

    Fast-forward to present day. I cannot imagine letting Alexa cry for hours (or even minutes, heh). Even in another year when she’s better able to communicate. I just don’t think I could do it.

    Luckily Peter and I are on the same page for the most part. You’ve been with me during our VERY short stint attempting Ferber. It felt sooo wrong. While I’m exhausted and overwhelmed some nights, I cherish the nights when Alexa sleeps soundly next to me. She still doesn’t sleep through the night, but reading your posts about Riley gives me hope. I’m really looking forward to the time when we’re able to put Alexa to bed calmly and more than happy to let her come sleep with us when she needs company or comfort.
    .-= Amber´s last blog ..Beautiful Blogger Award =-.

    Reply
  18. Jan Jan says:
    February 13, 2010 at 4:42 pm

    That was so lovely to read, Zoey.
    Some real insight to how your life has changed and great to hear how you are enjoying it.

    Reply
  19. Darcel Darcel says:
    February 20, 2010 at 3:00 pm

    Great post! Isn’t it crazy how you just know your going to do things one way, the baby is born, and all of that changes.

    Reply
  20. Sarah Sarah says:
    February 21, 2010 at 2:13 pm

    Isn’t it funny how our ideas change once the kid actually arrives?! It cracks me up. If only we had known, haha.

    I’m so glad you have a supportive husband. I have one too, and I can tell you, I don’t know what I’d do without him. He is a rock.

    Also, it’s awesome that your hubby can stay home once a month now with your little one. I’m sure that’s a GREAT bonding experience for them both. Keep lovin’ on that good man of yours!
    .-= Sarah´s last blog ..Best Food Deals In DFW Area This Week =-.

    Reply
  21. Sarah Sarah says:
    February 21, 2010 at 2:14 pm

    Isn’t it funny how our ideas change once the kid actually arrives?! It cracks me up. If only we had known, haha.

    I’m so glad you have a supportive husband. I have one too, and I can tell you, I don’t know what I’d do without him. He is a rock.

    Also, it’s awesome that your hubby can stay home once a month now with your little one. I’m sure that’s a GREAT bonding experience for them both. Keep lovin’ on that good man of yours! :)
    .-= Sarah´s last blog ..Best Food Deals In DFW Area This Week =-.

    Reply

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