This is a joint post with Amber at Unlikely Mama. You can follow her on twitter here. We thought it would be fun to look back on what our expectations were before we had our babies and how they’ve changed a year on (for Amber) and two years on (for me).

Having Children

Amber: Let me start from the beginning.  I never “expected” to have a baby.  As my online moniker hints at…it was highly unlikely that I would become a mother.  Not because I couldn’t, but because I NEVER wanted to.  Not until I met Peter 4+ years ago and his way with kids turned my clock on.

Zoey: I wasn’t sure if I wanted to have kids when I was in my early twenties. And it seemed like the kind of thing that you needed to be really sure of. And then, it seemed all of a sudden, I was sure. There was no real defining moment – I just knew.

Pregnancy

Amber: Once I changed my expectations of myself…a whole slew of other changes came about.When I found out I was pregnant I was flooded with emotions…fear being a huge one.  But more than that, I was filled with excitement and expectations about what the pregnancy and motherhood would be like.

Zoey: I tried not to be terrified while I was pregnant. I really tried. It didn’t always go so well. I think my perfectionism took over as well. And I researched a lot. It is no surprise to me that half of the ideas and expectations I had when I was pregnant seem ridiculous to me now.

Birth

Amber: First off my birth expectations were that it would be medicated and in a hospital.  Numb from the waist down like natured intended?  I even posted in my LJ about not needing to be a martyr, and that pain meds were invented to be used.  But the more I started researching birth…the more I realized that I wanted to REALLY experience it.  Actually, a good friend of mine started this whole trip when she told me not to bother with an epidural because her’s didn’t work..and the “rolling” feelings she had while it was still natural far outweighed the numbness.  I started reading about what could cause those feelings, and found my answer…Oxytocin!  I was hooked on this natural love drug and couldn’t wait to experience it!  I wanted the bonding, and was terrified of screwing it up otherwise.  Yup, I was turning crunchy

What I ended up with was a 10 week preterm labor and a c-section.  No free love, no chance to bond (well for 4 days anyway).  It needed to be done to keep the baby safe, but I was not at all prepare

Zoey: I expected to have a natural birth. I didn’t even read the chapter on c-sections, because I figured that would never happen to me.

I wish I had known more about it. I wish I had refused induction medication when I arrived for my induction and was told I was already in labour. But I didn’t know any better and I was ill-prepared when the Doctor told me that I was headed for an emergency c-section. I was so scared. I’d never had an operation before. And I had to stay so still for the spinal anesthetic whilst I was having contractions. No mean task.

I didn’t realise how violent a c-section would be. Or how incpacitated I would be. Or how I would always feel strange whenever I used the phrase ‘given birth’ in connection with the experience. But still, I don’t regret any of it because after all of that Riley was born.

Family

Amber: Before Alexa graced us with her (EARLY) presence we were struck with a ton of family expectations of us.  They were, well my family, sorely disappointed when they found out we weren’t budging on our stance.  My father expected to come to the birthing center with us, I told him I wanted to be alone with Peter and the midwife.  My mother expected to come up to stay with us the 2 weeks before and after the birth, I told her no we wanted to spend the first 2 weeks (Peter’s paternity leave time) alone together bonding as a family.  My mother then expected me to send her the first picture of the baaaaaaaaaaybeeeeeeeee so she could be the FIRST to see her.  I told her I wasn’t playing favorites and would copy everyone in on the same first emailed photo.  It was actually Peter’s family that surprised me.  I expected that they would be the pushy ones, and they were actually the most respectful of our wishes…who knew!

My expectations of our families were on and off.  My father lives next door and dotes on both of my neices so much.  I thought he would be over here more.  I thought he would drop in with small gifts all the time like he does for the other girls.  He hasn’t bought Alexa a thing (his fiance picks everything out), and has never once offered to babyshit (though we’ve asked him to do it twice).  It’s hard because I’m so close with him, but sometimes I feel like because we live next door we’re forgotten.  It’s like I’m always here and always available..so there’s no need to dote on me

My mother, who I thought would be the biggest pain to deal with has actually become the person I trust the most.  She is the only one respectful of my wishes with feeding, holding, and sleeping…especially sleeping.  I am very pleasantly surprised with being wrong wrong wrong with my assumptions about that relationship!

Peter’s family has met my expectations.  They treat her like a toy in some regards…and pretty thing to be passed around.  They buy her far too many, and far too expensive, presents.  They talk about how pretty she is.  I’m afraid if she doesn’t live up to their expectations that they’ll treat her differently than if she were “perfect”.

Zoey: Pleads the fifth. My family reads this blog. Boring, yes. Accurate, definitely.

Partners

Amber: My expectations of Peter have went back and forth.  Before we really thought about having a baby I just assumed Peter would be the “motherly” one.  He’s far more sensitive and sweet than I.  He’s also the person in the room that ALL kids flock to.  They love him, and that’s the only reason I ever reconsidering becoming a mother in the first place.  I kinda thought he would do most of the work, heh :-/
As it turned out, I assumed all wrong when it came to how much I would turn into the mamabear!  Peter turns to me for help and advice.  Sometimes I get snippy because I still think he should know what to do…the fist year of parenthood is HARD.

Zoey: I expected Josh to do just as much around the house whether that be housework or helping out with Riley. He had three months of paternity leave when Riley was born, which was so nice. What I didn’t expect was that sometimes babies have a preference. Sometimes it doesn’t matter if i hadn’t had a shower, had anything to eat or even just felt like I needed 5 minutes to myself – Riley still insisted that she be attached to my chest. The amount that we snip at one another is directly related to who has been sitting in with Riley to get her to go to sleep and who has been in the kitchen making noise.

I always though Josh would make a great dad, but I was pleasantly surprised with how well it suited him (most of the time)

Sleep

Amber: I really didn’t have any expectations of sleep, for me or Alexa.  Though, I guess I’m lying there, since I DID assume we would all be sleeping through the night AT LEAST by now (1 year out).  Hmmmm, guess I’ll have to take Zoey’s father’s word that you give up on that for 2 years  The first months were rough, I won’t lie, but I think we slept more than the “average” family because we co-slept (something we did NOT intend on doing).  We have a crib in the nursery and had a cosleeper/bassinette in our room.  My “plan” HAHAH was to have Alexa sleep in the crib for naps, ya know…to get her used to it…and to sleep in the cosleeper next to me.  Yeah, not so much.  She had reflux and needed to be semi-upright, so she slept in the crook of my arm, on my chest, or on Peter’s.  Once she was able to lay flat we had already perfected side-lying nursing and couldn’t turn back.  There was no way I was going to get up in the  middle of the night when I didn’t have to.  NOOOOOOOOOOOW I don’t know how to get her off my boob at night, so she’s kinda stuck in bed with me for the time being (or actually I’m stuck in bed with her).

Zoey: I’m going to sound like a bit of an idiot here, but before Riley was born I thought the issue with sleep was that babies woke up a lot to be fed. I didn’t even consider that they might need some help getting to sleep. So needless to say, I was not ready for the hours of feeding, rocking and patting to sleep that were in store for me. And Riley loved to be rocked. I only stopped rocking her (at around 12 months) because she was getting too heavy for me.

She mostly sleeps through now. Although I was sure she’d sleep through by 6 months, she didn’t. And then I was sure she’d sleep through by 12 months and she still didn’t. It wasn’t until she was 14 months that she started and not until around 18 months that sh was doing it with any reliability. If it wasn’t for co-sleeping I’d be the walking dead by now.

Whether she’ll put herself to sleep or not is still a bit hit and miss. Sometimes she will, sometimes she won’t. Here’s the kicker. Now that she’s not a baby anymore (even if she’ll always be my baby), I now look forward to the nights when she comes into our bed, or needs help getting to sleep and I get to watch her little eyes fight sleep but eventually close and I get to look at her peaceful little face. Most of the time, anyway.

Breastfeeding

Amber: I expected breastfeeding to be easy…my mother did it for both me and my brother.  Everyone else I knew that tried was successful.    Well Alexa’s prematurity screwed that up and it was HARD!  It’s still hard sometimes and we just celebrated our 1 year anniversary of nursing.  I never thought I was so stubborn, but I really learned a lot about myself.  I would NOT give up and I’m thankful that we persevered.  I also assumed it would melt the fat…it did NOT help me lose weight

Zoey: I expected breastfeeding to be natural and easy. Women have been doing it for thousands of years, right? But initially we had latch problems and I’m amazed that I managed to get through those first few weeks where breastfeeding was excrutiatingly painful and I dreaded each feeding and cried through most of them. After all of that calmed down I was surprised how easy it was. And relieved that it meant I didn’t have to get out of bed in the middle of the night.

Unlike Amber, it helped me lose weight fast. The problem? I’ve stopped breastfeeding and failed to adjust my diet accordingly.

Not Expecting

Amber: I guess I should have known from the start not to expect anything.  I mean, I was so wrong about not wanting to be a mother…how could I be right about anything else?

Zoey: I have learned that you aim for perfection, you’ll always be disappointed. Always. And I’ve also learnt that expecting things is a recipe for disaster. Babies love to make liars out of their mothers.

What were your expectations?