30 Oct 2009Tags: discipline, tantrums, toddler
Riley is nearly 18 months old and I’m yet to come across a situation that would require even an early form of discipline. Some of the mothers’ in our play group are already using time outs or a slap on the hand. I don’t believe in any form of slapping/smacking/threat of either as a way of discipline myself and have heard that it is ineffective anyway. Although I’m so against it I doubt I would use it even if it did work. I agree with MomHouston that most of the time distraction is the way to go. Is it just me or is 18 months too early for time outs?
I couldn’t really think of something that would warrant a time-out anyway. It’s not that she doesn’t have tantrums (she does!) but I don’t think it’s right to discipline her for what is essentially a form of self expression. So I address the tantrums that need addressing (tired tantrums – straight to bed; frustrated tantrums -help her out) and ignore/distract/ignore the I’m-not-getting-my-way-and-I’m-really-steamed-about-it tantrums.
And although there are things that I wish she wouldn’t do (switch off the television at the powerpoint, empty the kitchen cupboards) – they’re things that I have to teach her. And let’s face it if letting her pull out the containers in the kitchen cupboard gives me the time to make some dinner/do some dishes it’s totally worth it.
Maybe I’m deluding myself and I’ll end up with an unruly child – but I just don’t see it.
Sometimes I give myself a time-out – now that is something that I can see the benefit in.
Update
I recently received a comment about this post which led me to re-read what I had written. The commenter noted that I may have been being disloyal to my mothers group in my post (above). As someone who prides myself on loyalty I took this seriously, asked other peoples opinions and discussed it with trusted family members.
I can see on re-reading my words that it sounds very different on the page than it did in my head and I can see how it appears to be dismissive and judgemental.
On the page, me saying “Some of the mothers’ in our play group are already using time outs or a slap on the hand”and “Is it just me or is 18 months too early for time outs?” are two statements that most definitely sound like I’m being negative, judgemental and critical about parents using discipline with 18 month olds.
However, in my head, the narrative went something like this:
Other parents are disciplining their child. Should I be disciplining my child? I should probably be disciplining her. What should I be disciplining her for? I can’t think of anything that would warrant discipline. Am I being too permissive? Would she understand it if I did put her in time out? I don’t want to discipline her unless she’s actually being naughty. She’s not being naughty. Is that normal?
It obviously didn’t translate like that on the page. This may be the perils of quickly writing posts at midnight. If I was re-writing I would pick my words more carefully and say what I wanted to say which is discipline is too early for my 18 month old based on her behaviour and temperment.
As this post was written over a month ago, we have now progressed to discipline. At the moment I’m using a version of time outs but I want to read Alfie Kohn’s Unconditional Parenting before I commit to a discipline style.
It was important for me to clarify this because I love, respect and admire every single woman in my mothers group. Between moving to a different area and not meeting people/making friends easily I’m positive that if it weren’t for my mothers group I’d be a blubbering mess in the corner by now. I may have a very strong opinion about discipline (among other things – I have a strong opinion about EVERYTHING – it’s one of my more annoying qualities) but it doesn’t stop me from respecting other peoples different choices. And although it may not have seemed like it, this post had far more to do with my own insecurities about discipline than anything else.
Amber (35)
Marylin (14)
Cat (12)
Sounds like you’re right on track to me. You’re keeping the focus on what you want her to learn, and thinking about how you’ll help her learn those things. That’s a much more productive mindset, IMO, than, “I have to stop this behavior right now.”
Check out my blog posting about parents, kids and discipline:
http://bloggingboutboys.blogspot.com/2009/09/withholding-affection.html
Jenny
@Jennifer Fink, Thanks for the link – great post! I always find it interesting when science actually backs up what you feel intuitively. Nice to know that I’m not the only one who puts myself in time-out.
I’ve been reading a lot about unconditional parenting and compassionate discipline, and I have to say it makes sense to me.
Time out basically sends a child off to be alone to “think” about what they’ve done, when many times (specially when they’re toddlers) they don’t understand what they’ve done enough to think about it. They just know they’re being sent away from you…to be alone. The better approach is to take the timeout with them. To discuss why they’re feeling this way, and to think about the situation from their point of view. The world is scary and makes little sense even to most adults, it’s gotta be pretty terrifying for babes.
Here’s one blog that talks A LOT about it:
http://compassionateparenting.blogspot.com/
and a book that I want to read like now!
http://www.alfiekohn.org/up/index.html
@Amber, I love the Compassionate Parenting website – it’s totally going in my reader! The whole ‘naughty corner’ never really sat well with me because I think it’s easy for children to focus on the idea that they are bad/naughty rather than their behaviour is inappropriate etc. I like what the compassionate parenting said about focusing on the positive.
I was reading The Secrets of Happy Children and it is really interesting how much the language you use with your children impacts their self esteem. For example if your child has just scribbled all over the wall, saying to them you’re far too smart/clever for that kind of thing instead of the many negative alternatives you could pick.
That book looks fantastic – it’s going on my wishlist.
I’m so glad you liked the links!!! Sometimes I feel like I’m a bit of a dreamer thinking that I’ll be able to keep my cool with a toddler long enough to remember to use these tactics. I’m actually considering going to a workshop focused on “nurturing parenting” to practice these situations
.-= Amber´s last blog ..I’m Skeevy? =-.
@Amber, LOL I’ve lost my cool a couple of times but if anything it just reminds me that 99.9% of the time my frustration isn’t anything to do with her – it’s all to do with me.
I was thinking about this the other day actually – that as much as we would like to be at our best all the time (remnants of perfectionism) – it wouldn’t be good if our little ones never saw us get angry/frustrated/pissed off either because it’s not real and doesn’t teach them how to manage their own frustration or anger.
Hi Zoey,
Everyone is entitled to their own parenting methods and beliefs, I only hope that when these discussions take place within the sanctuary of your mothers group you are as open and honest with them about your parenting style as they are about theirs. To take “their” discussions and use them for your blog topics without consent would be considered disloyal within my m’group. In short do the views you express within your blog match those represented over the “cuppa” in your mothers group?
@B.Honest, To answer your question – yes. I have said exactly what I’ve said in this post at my mothers’ group. I am lucky that I have a mothers’ group where we all have differing opinions on issues such as discipline, sleep training and circumcision to name a few and it doesn’t stop us from respecting one another.
It was not my intention to be judgemental in this post about other people’s parenting choices but to communicate my own choices and reasoning, and that includes the things that I don’t choose.
I found your site on technorati and read a few of your other posts. Keep up the good work. I just added your RSS feed to my Google News Reader. Looking forward to reading more from you down the road!
“I have a strong opinion about EVERYTHING – it’s one of my more annoying qualities”
SAME HERE! Sometimes I’m sure I come across as judgemental…but really I’m just working things out (out loud) that might be better suited for an internal debate
.-= Amber´s last blog ..No Time =-.
Thank you so much, there aren’t enough posts on this… or at least i cant find them. I am turning into such a blog nut, I just cant get enough and this is such an important topic… i’ll be sure to write something about your site