5 Nov 2009Tags: behaviour, discipline, parenting, time-out, unconditional
I’m currently reading Alfie Kohn’s Unconditional Parenting. And although I haven’t gotten too far beyond the first chapter it’s definitely an eye opener. He says in the introduction that it is subversive and it is definitely that. All concepts of time-outs, consequences and reward charts are thrown out the window in favour of providing choices, discussion and understanding. As the parent of an energetic toddler, I struggle to see how I could ‘reason’ with her on a regular basis because half of the time when she’s having a tantrum she can’t remember what the tantrum is actually about. Although, to be fair, I have noticed recently that she is a lot more receptive to a request than a demand anyway, so I guess I just answered my own question.
As I’m reading it, and it challenges the vast majority of conventional wisdom on child discipline, it occurs to me that the traditional ideas behind discipline are all about trying to get children to behave as adults. Getteing them to sleep through the night, getting them to be independent, getting them to ‘behave’ in public places and restaurants etc.
I won’t really know how much of Alfie’s book I’ll take on board until I finish it – but I can already tell that it’s going to be very interesting. I had never really though too deeply about the messages that different types of discipline give children, but can see how time-outs reinforce that love and attention are conditional on obedient behaviour. So far one of the most interesting things about the book is the idea that the behaviours that are encouraged in young children are not consistent with our long-term goals for our children and are not even considered to be desirable behaviours in adulthood.The idea being that children should be encouraged to develop their own value system, think for themselves and have a healthy dash of rebellion; rather than either blindly following parental instructions or completely interalising the parents’ value system.
Another fascinating little observation in the book is that the word ‘good’ when applied to children doesn’t mean ‘good’ in the normal sense. While ‘good’ would normally mean kind, compassionate or moral; as applied to children it means, quiet, still, doing nothing (alot of the time).
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I really need to get this book. I know I recommended it, lol, but I’ve yet to find time to read crappy magazines these days…let alone a whole book
I don’t really “need” to discipline yet, so there’s still time
.-= Amber´s last blog ..Feed The Baby =-.
@Amber, Heaps of time! I only really had to start thinking about discipline techniques around the 18 month mark.
I just wrote about the same topic! I need to get that book, thanks.
my article about how I feel about spanking: http://dagmarbleasdale.com/2009/11/03/second-nyc-moms-blog-article-published/
.-= Dagmar Bleasdale´s last blog ..Landon’s 3rd Birthday Party and Frugal Tips =-.
That is one of my favorite books! I hope you enjoy it.
It’s amazing when you open your eyes and see things so differently. I’d also recommend Above All, Be Kind by Zoe Weil.
.-= Summer´s last blog ..November Is Family Literacy Month =-.
@Summer, Thanks for the recommendation! I am enjoying it so far – although I can see how it’s a real paradigm shift because it seems like our entire society is based upon punishment vs reward.
I am rather alarmed at the last paragraph … quiet and still equating to being good indeed!!!!
That’s no help when they run into tigers or when they bring back cracker night or need to fight for treasure! We need ‘naughtiness’ and wicked behaviour. The best story books are full of it! 
@great_auntie_book, Exactly! One person’s ‘naughty’ is another person’s clever/creative/independent/just plain interesting!
That book blew my mind! Hey, a tip: If you can’t get someone to read it and you want them to (aka my husband), there’s a companion DVD where Alfie Kohn sums up all the points of the book and does a Q&A. Our library has it.
.-= Lauren @ Hobo Mama´s last blog ..Reminder: Enter to win a fleece baby carrier by Nov. 20! =-.
@Lauren @ Hobo Mama, Great tip – thanks ;o) Mr Goog is much more likely to watch a DVD than read about it in a book.
RT @zoeyspeak What messages are you giving children through your discipline technique? I never thought about it until now. http://ow.ly/zuZr
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RT @zoeyspeak What messages are you giving children through your discipline technique? I never really thought about it… http://ow.ly/zuZr
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RT @DagmarBleasdale: RT @zoeyspeak What messages are you giving children through your discipline technique? . http://ow.ly/zuZr
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RT @zoeyspeak What messages are you giving children through your discipline technique? I never thought about it until now. http://ow.ly/zuZr
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RT @zoeyspeak Discipline Without Punishment or Reward http://bit.ly/2FtSNf
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RT @zoeyspeak Discipline Without Punishment or Reward http://bit.ly/2FtSNf Alfie Kohn — yea!
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RT @zoeyspeak: What messages are you giving children through your discipline technique? http://ow.ly/zuZr
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I love ‘Unconditional Parenting’. It was really eye-opening for me, especially when I thought about it in the context of my own childhood. It’s also very freeing when you no longer think that you have to come up with the ‘perfect’ discipline system at every moment. There is a heavy message in conventional parenting that says if your children misbehave, it’s because YOU didn’t use the right time-out / reward system / etc.
The only criticism I have about the book is that it’s heavy on philosophy and weak on actual implementation. For that I loved ‘Playful Parenting’ by Lawrence Cohen.
.-= Amber´s last blog ..Experiments with Sourdough =-.
@Amber, I got that impression from the book as well – that it was a bit light on the practical side of things so I’ll check out Playful Parenting. Because I’d like to have some alternatives to time-outs. Particularly for situations with unacceptable behaviour – like biting – which has been happening a bit lately.
I really can’t wait to pick your brain once the time comes for me! You’ll have to do a review of all these books once you’ve worked through them! Please
.-= Amber´s last blog ..Feed The Baby =-.
@Amber, I definitely will! I’ll probably end up going with an amalgamation of a whole bunch of different styles. It’s interesting though – in the past when Riley has gotten her hands on something that she shouldn’t have I’ve asked for it back and if she won’t give it to me I take it off her – tantrum ensues. Since I’ve started reading the book – I ask her again after she’s initially refused and 9 times out of 10 she gives it to me with no problems – tantrum averted.